Saying yes…
while life “happens.”
“The most important lesson I learned,” I told my eight-year-old daughter a few weeks ago, “is that you never know what's going to happen in life.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, looking perplexed in light of my words of wisdom, reminding me of how little I know.
“You can make all the plans in the world but never know what is going to happen,” this seemed to make more sense to her, so I went on, “So, the fun in life is that everything can be different in the future.”
I don't usually make grand pronouncements about life, but perhaps in the wake of turning 49, I feel a little more confident about making sweeping generalizations. Maybe, just maybe, my Gen X self is a bit wiser among the deepening of the lines on my face. (“Mommy, I love you even if you are old and wrinkly” was part of another conversation with my daughter!)
I can't help but think of the lyric by John Lennon:
"Before you cross the street, take my hand. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." —Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)
I thought about this idea that life is not about making plans because we only have so much control over them anyway when I was reading about the science of manifesting. The “unscience” of it is magical thinking, where you imagine your goals, set an intention, and steadfastly reach them. Think vision board and good thoughts.
The science, which looks more at the psychology of this approach to goal-setting, argues that a more effective way than sheer optimism is to imagine the obstacles in front of your goals. By acknowledging these blocks, you can more effectively envision a path to your goals and thus be motivated. Ultimately, with either approach, you have to have a clear plan in mind.
At 49, I think this is an excellent time to take stock of my goals, considering that life will have its way even if I plan.
Two steadfast goals I have had in my life were being a writer and having a child despite infertility. The first has been a throughline throughout my life; the second occurred after the loss of my first daughter to SIDS and becoming a stepmom. The first goal of writing wasn't that impossible; it just involved commitment despite experiencing rejection, and it's manifested itself in many forms depending on opportunities and skill. The second involved diligence, luck, and perseverance—and could have been impossible.
Looking at these two types of goals, one in my control in many ways, the other not so much, I've been trying to think about my plans for the second half (more like 1/3) of my life. Writing and mothering certainly is in my foreseeable future. But, instead of having steadfast specific goals with those, I'm welcoming serendipity. Life can be an adventure when you aren't making plans.
I've heard about women around my life stage saying they want to say “yes” to more things. Shonda Rhimes, creator of Grey’s Anatomy, wrote a book a few years ago called “Year of Yes,” in which she said she was saying yes to everything.
Perhaps as I walk faster towards 50, rather than thinking about what to plan, it's about what to say yes to. In the past, I'd consider opportunities and think about all the reasons NOT to do something. What could go wrong? Why it might not succeed? Perhaps mid-life can be a time not just to be optimistic about the future, dabbling in magical thinking, but a way to be open to possibilities I might not have ever thought of.
There are two challenges with a saying-yes mentality. First, the idea that saying yes means saying no to other opportunities and also figuring out how a yes fits into my family dynamics.
It's been a paradigm shift to realize that I don't have to fear that a yes precludes another choice. It might just be yes for now; let's try it out. Or it might mean that a yes opens up room for another yes I never considered.
In terms of family dynamics, I have written about the challenges that I have had with motherhood and writing or working. My yes also has to be balanced out with the needs of my family. However, I've become more confident about taking opportunities that require my other family members to adjust or put my goals first.
So, what are some ways I'm saying yes recently?
For one, I enrolled in a MFA creative writing program. I'm not sure if it's a good fit right now, but I have become more committed to writing creative non-fiction. I'm piggybacking that with submitting work to various journals.
I have also been seeking new job opportunities, interviewing for various writing and teaching positions. It's hard getting back on the job market! But, I am being challenged to put my best self forward.
Additionally, I'm leaning into editing Pop Off, a Medium publication about everything pop culture. I am also working towards reestablishing Fat Daddy’s Farm Journal, which aims to publish “uncommon voices.” I'm seeking other opportunities to edit and give feedback as well.
To wrap up this letter, I have three questions you might consider:
1. What is one goal or aspiration you've hesitated to pursue due to fear or uncertainty?
2. How can you embrace the unexpected twists and turns of life with a sense of curiosity and adventure?
3. What is one small step you can take today to say "yes" to a new opportunity or experience?
Maybe this is the year of yes for you, too.
With gratitude,
Melissa
